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From 1998 to 2008, CGM

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Moving Through the Room of Jello

Dear God;
moving within a new place is hard
even if i believe i'm supposed to be here
we're to be here
i am afraid

Monday, January 2, 2012

Leaving (not on a jet plane)

Dear God...

It's a new year but the newness began last year. You've definitely set me on a more narrow path.
So many words spoken into the atmosphere. (I don't believe words go away, they fly around in the air. We don't see them, but their effect is continuing.)

December 2 was 'go day'. Blessing, Blanky, & 3 girls, compelled to move on a road less traveled with little to 'go' with. Our plans were not Your plans (how funny is that?).

We left in dark rain on a Friday night; it stopped long enough to walk the streets of Hot Springs Arkansas. We left that state under torrential swallowing land rains. Car slip sliding across bridges as we crossed into Tennessee. 18-wheelers washed the car as they passed. It rained all the way to North Carolina. A much needed place of rest.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Resign, Resignation, Moving On

resign |riˈzīn|
voluntarily leave a job or other position; leave, hand in one's notice, give notice, stand down, step down; leave, vacate, stand down from;renounce, relinquish

Dear God it’s me, your daughter—again.
“No good byes, farewell or dinner parties, or wonderful conversations over meals. Leave.”
How to explain that to the people I know? Not…can’t
I have the audacity to believe the compelling within my gut pushed me from comfortability onto a road unknown but not first traveled.
"Go out from your country, your relatives, and your father’s household to the land that I will show you." God spoke those words to Abraham. He I am not.

And so without traditional so longs, farewells, auf wiedersehen, good-byes the Ford Focus Zx3 was packed. Harvey, my brother, helped us by taking things that wouldn't fit in the car (larger, but smaller, than believed).

What was I to tell people? "God told me"? There are times I don't even know if I do hear Your voice. Our conversations are unique. So, I prefer not to talk about something that doesn't make sense in the natural (when I'm being obedient to the compelling from the spiritual). All I have are the dreams of places to go, highways to drive, and a fellow traveler.

Dear God, thank you for taking care of us so far. There's so much to tell; too much for this blog. Tomorrow, from the same hotel, part 2.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

i sit in my puffy chair
and finger ergonomic bumps
to do my bidding
sights and sounds
to go
my way
to be
my truth
to save
my life

30 second
byte-size slices
of schizality
fast, furious
shimmering, shaking
snaking, sliding,
but not delaying
my own

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

George MacDonald Quote of the Day...

From the man who comes to know and feel that Power in him and one with him, loneliness, anxiety, and fear vanish; he is no more an orphan without a home, a little one astray on the cold waste of a helpless consciousness. (The Hope of the Gospel, God's Family)

Living Truth

I am glad that Jesus didn't point to something other than himself, like a book or a tablet or a scroll or any object around him, and say, "That is the way, the truth and the life." When he referred to himself as the Truth that told me that the ultimate truth is not a purely abstract, mental concept. Truth wasn't something to wrap our minds around but our hearts. In other words, Truth is not a proposition but a Person. Here in this divided world, we can express a truth without living it. In heaven, where all is tried by the fire of God's presence, only those who are living truths will be able to stand the heat. There can be no duplicity. Only true integrity (wysiwyg) will be able to bear the "weight of glory."

Reel it in to the present
I am a man divided
I think truth
I fondle lies
I smile outside
Only God knows what's going on in the inside
who can deliver me from this perpetual state of duplicity?

case in point:
last Thursday I cut down a large diseased section of our fig tree
I left two branches for my son to help carry to the front sidewalk
My son tells me that he can't lift them
They are too heavy for his pencil-thin arms
I ignore him because I've got more important things to do

The next day the large trash truck is coming
I remember the two limbs
I run out, grab them, and haul them to the front sidewalk
They feel light in my hands
I remember my son's words
"They're too heavy for me, Daddy"
He lied.
I confront him at the breakfast table
Humiliating him in from of his mother and sister
He starts to cry
He stops eating
I justify my anger by saying I want him to know that he's stronger than he thinks he is!
My wife tells me that I only want to prove that I'm right
She knows me well
But I ignore her and drag my son out to the front yard
To make him prove that he is wrong
He sees the two branches that I've separated from all the rest of the limbs
He says Those aren't the branches!
I say Those are the branches!
We play several rounds of ping pong
I am the stronger, better ping pong player
He carries the limbs to the sidewalk with some effort and says
These aren't the limbs!
The ping pong whooshes pass me

I try to help him see the truth
All he can see is an angry father who is more concerned that he is right
He calls me a liar
I shout at him and tell him to go to his room
I face his mother who looks at me like I'm a stranger
She has to teach him for the rest of the day
And I've just ruined it for her
What do I care? I'm right! I know the truth!
She tells me that I have to face the weeping angel in the room

I go and stand before his door
Lord have mercy on me
Give me the words to say to help my son see that I'm right
I walk through the door
There is my son
A Tempest
My heart skips a beat
I forget my wrath for a second
I forget the truth I was going to whack him on the head with
He says he wants to talk to mama
He wants to share his side of the story
I say she's not the judge
He can share his side of the story with me
He knows I already know his side of the story
And he stands condemned in my eyes
But he braces himself
He says those weren't the same limbs
Maybe a kid in the neighborhood came by and took it
I look in his eyes
I don't see a desperate criminal trying to weasel his way out of a crime
I see a little child desperately wanting to be believed
Wanting to be loved
I say do you really believe those aren't the limbs?
He nods his head
I breathe
The moment of truth
Ok, son, I will believe you
Even though my mind tells me that those are the same limbs
I will choose to believe that you believe they aren't
I know that there are many things I've done in life that were or weren't true
But only Jesus will be able to sort them out for me
And when that happens, it will not be a day to mourn
but a day to rejoice
To see our lives the way He sees them is freedom
And life
And love

It was like watching the sun rise in my son's face
the rain vanished from his eyes
he smiled
he couldn't believe what just happened
there was no condemnation

Next thing I knew he was happily helping his mom water the garden
The Day wasn't ruined

yes, i know what some of you are thinking
i just reinforced his propensity to lie, to get away with it
maybe i did, maybe i didn't
but you know,
i wouldn't be surprised
if an angel were holding those limbs down,
making them immovable
just to test me
sort of like Balaam's Ass who saw the angel
and in the end ended up saving Balaam's ass

or maybe my son did try to move them
but because they got caught on something
and because my son has asperger syndrome
and therefore is easily distracted
he really couldn't move them...

What is the truth?
The truth is Jesus was with my son when he tried to move the limbs
and I wasn't

If I had been with my son
The way the Truth chooses to be with me
I could have saved him and myself from much madness

Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me a sinner!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I've Got People!

Dear God, it's me - again;
You wrote in your chronicles (i believe the 14th sentence in the seventh chapter)
if your people, called by your name...
you have got people
and we are learning (still)

well today, celebrating you giving me another year to breathe
i was reminded - again
i got people down here on this earth
and am humbled by their happy words
(yes Eugene, i am laughing)
words of love
placing hope within my heart that Your Body might just get it after all
one person at a time

and so to my people here to Guam to Tennessee
and all the places in between
your words plucked my eyes
remembered your faces
smiling mouths open
blessing me
reminding me
of conversations around plates of food
sharing beliefs and doubts
and more of the same
reminding me that i miss you all
and have no idea if we'll ever meet again
the joy is that we have met
done a small part of life

and those are stepping stones into my new year
i never believed i'd live to be 50
passed that milestone
i have to tell you
it gets deliciously better
with God mixin' it up!

and God and i continue to look for Him in America
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