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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Resign, Resignation, Moving On

resign |riˈzīn|
voluntarily leave a job or other position; leave, hand in one's notice, give notice, stand down, step down; leave, vacate, stand down from;renounce, relinquish

Dear God it’s me, your daughter—again.
“No good byes, farewell or dinner parties, or wonderful conversations over meals. Leave.”
How to explain that to the people I know? Not…can’t
I have the audacity to believe the compelling within my gut pushed me from comfortability onto a road unknown but not first traveled.
"Go out from your country, your relatives, and your father’s household to the land that I will show you." God spoke those words to Abraham. He I am not.

And so without traditional so longs, farewells, auf wiedersehen, good-byes the Ford Focus Zx3 was packed. Harvey, my brother, helped us by taking things that wouldn't fit in the car (larger, but smaller, than believed).

What was I to tell people? "God told me"? There are times I don't even know if I do hear Your voice. Our conversations are unique. So, I prefer not to talk about something that doesn't make sense in the natural (when I'm being obedient to the compelling from the spiritual). All I have are the dreams of places to go, highways to drive, and a fellow traveler.

Dear God, thank you for taking care of us so far. There's so much to tell; too much for this blog. Tomorrow, from the same hotel, part 2.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

i sit in my puffy chair
and finger ergonomic bumps
to do my bidding
sights and sounds
to go
my way
to be
my truth
to save
my life

30 second
byte-size slices
of schizality
fast, furious
shimmering, shaking
snaking, sliding,
but not delaying
my own

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

George MacDonald Quote of the Day...

From the man who comes to know and feel that Power in him and one with him, loneliness, anxiety, and fear vanish; he is no more an orphan without a home, a little one astray on the cold waste of a helpless consciousness. (The Hope of the Gospel, God's Family)

Living Truth

I am glad that Jesus didn't point to something other than himself, like a book or a tablet or a scroll or any object around him, and say, "That is the way, the truth and the life." When he referred to himself as the Truth that told me that the ultimate truth is not a purely abstract, mental concept. Truth wasn't something to wrap our minds around but our hearts. In other words, Truth is not a proposition but a Person. Here in this divided world, we can express a truth without living it. In heaven, where all is tried by the fire of God's presence, only those who are living truths will be able to stand the heat. There can be no duplicity. Only true integrity (wysiwyg) will be able to bear the "weight of glory."

Reel it in to the present
I am a man divided
I think truth
I fondle lies
I smile outside
Only God knows what's going on in the inside
who can deliver me from this perpetual state of duplicity?

case in point:
last Thursday I cut down a large diseased section of our fig tree
I left two branches for my son to help carry to the front sidewalk
My son tells me that he can't lift them
They are too heavy for his pencil-thin arms
I ignore him because I've got more important things to do

The next day the large trash truck is coming
I remember the two limbs
I run out, grab them, and haul them to the front sidewalk
They feel light in my hands
I remember my son's words
"They're too heavy for me, Daddy"
He lied.
I confront him at the breakfast table
Humiliating him in from of his mother and sister
He starts to cry
He stops eating
I justify my anger by saying I want him to know that he's stronger than he thinks he is!
My wife tells me that I only want to prove that I'm right
She knows me well
But I ignore her and drag my son out to the front yard
To make him prove that he is wrong
He sees the two branches that I've separated from all the rest of the limbs
He says Those aren't the branches!
I say Those are the branches!
We play several rounds of ping pong
I am the stronger, better ping pong player
He carries the limbs to the sidewalk with some effort and says
These aren't the limbs!
The ping pong whooshes pass me

I try to help him see the truth
All he can see is an angry father who is more concerned that he is right
He calls me a liar
I shout at him and tell him to go to his room
I face his mother who looks at me like I'm a stranger
She has to teach him for the rest of the day
And I've just ruined it for her
What do I care? I'm right! I know the truth!
She tells me that I have to face the weeping angel in the room

I go and stand before his door
Lord have mercy on me
Give me the words to say to help my son see that I'm right
I walk through the door
There is my son
A Tempest
My heart skips a beat
I forget my wrath for a second
I forget the truth I was going to whack him on the head with
He says he wants to talk to mama
He wants to share his side of the story
I say she's not the judge
He can share his side of the story with me
He knows I already know his side of the story
And he stands condemned in my eyes
But he braces himself
He says those weren't the same limbs
Maybe a kid in the neighborhood came by and took it
I look in his eyes
I don't see a desperate criminal trying to weasel his way out of a crime
I see a little child desperately wanting to be believed
Wanting to be loved
I say do you really believe those aren't the limbs?
He nods his head
I breathe
The moment of truth
Ok, son, I will believe you
Even though my mind tells me that those are the same limbs
I will choose to believe that you believe they aren't
I know that there are many things I've done in life that were or weren't true
But only Jesus will be able to sort them out for me
And when that happens, it will not be a day to mourn
but a day to rejoice
To see our lives the way He sees them is freedom
And life
And love

It was like watching the sun rise in my son's face
the rain vanished from his eyes
he smiled
he couldn't believe what just happened
there was no condemnation

Next thing I knew he was happily helping his mom water the garden
The Day wasn't ruined

yes, i know what some of you are thinking
i just reinforced his propensity to lie, to get away with it
maybe i did, maybe i didn't
but you know,
i wouldn't be surprised
if an angel were holding those limbs down,
making them immovable
just to test me
sort of like Balaam's Ass who saw the angel
and in the end ended up saving Balaam's ass

or maybe my son did try to move them
but because they got caught on something
and because my son has asperger syndrome
and therefore is easily distracted
he really couldn't move them...

What is the truth?
The truth is Jesus was with my son when he tried to move the limbs
and I wasn't

If I had been with my son
The way the Truth chooses to be with me
I could have saved him and myself from much madness

Lord Jesus Christ Son of God have mercy on me a sinner!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I've Got People!

Dear God, it's me - again;
You wrote in your chronicles (i believe the 14th sentence in the seventh chapter)
if your people, called by your name...
you have got people
and we are learning (still)

well today, celebrating you giving me another year to breathe
i was reminded - again
i got people down here on this earth
and am humbled by their happy words
(yes Eugene, i am laughing)
words of love
placing hope within my heart that Your Body might just get it after all
one person at a time

and so to my people here to Guam to Tennessee
and all the places in between
your words plucked my eyes
remembered your faces
smiling mouths open
blessing me
reminding me
of conversations around plates of food
sharing beliefs and doubts
and more of the same
reminding me that i miss you all
and have no idea if we'll ever meet again
the joy is that we have met
done a small part of life

and those are stepping stones into my new year
i never believed i'd live to be 50
passed that milestone
i have to tell you
it gets deliciously better
with God mixin' it up!

and God and i continue to look for Him in America

Saturday, March 19, 2011

My Dreams Haunt Me

i awoke crying & speaking
"oh God"

i'd had a warring dream
the details are not important here
but within this dream - human on human horror
and there were children
helpless children
at the end of this dream
i was holding a little boy
hugging my face
"tank you" came from his mouth
i held him close and began crying
crying for the pain of the place
crying out
"oh God, oh God, help us"

i awoke and thought
through my tears
how far are we away from that human on human horror
where children are...

dear God, it's me - again

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

A Better Way to Speak My Heart

this evening i had the unfortunate experience of speaking from an emotional place of historical pain
it let me know that i still have personal pain over the way i'm still treated because of the color of my skin
it's unfortunate that the racial divide of our nation's been minimized to the comfortable definition of 'capitalism'

dear God;
how do i let you live through me when i keep getting in the way?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Work of My Hands

Is leaked into my eyes
when I am blinking myself awake.
A list of divine
some as simple as washing a dish
an application mailed in
an assignment explained,
a phone call, encouragement
for the weary,
a meal served,
hands washed
and words written down,
pictures taken,
hope reigned in,
and just like that, just like that,
the sun is already setting.
My magic tucked in around me
underneath the home-made quilt
keeping me warm,
my hands numb,
my eyes,
my eyes closed.

Friday, February 25, 2011

I've Got A Question For You...

i recently asked a friend the following question: imagine you're in a pitch dark somewhere. you don't know yet where you are because you can't see anything, but you can hear and feel something. and then it begins to dawn on you: you're in water because you can feel its cold wetness and you can hear it swishing around your hands, arms, and legs. on the heels of this realization comes an ominous dread: because your feet and arms aren't coming into contact with anything other than water, you could be in the middle of the vast ocean with thousands of miles between you and dry ground. you shout out "help! anybody there? help me! i can't stay afloat much longer!" there is no reply. not even an echo of your own voice. you begin to swim madly in all directions. who knows? maybe you're simply treading water in a large pool... or maybe a sandy shore is just a stroke away...dread turns into abject fear. you begin to thrash about reaching for something, anything to keep you from going below the surface—below the surface: your body shudders involuntarily in response to the unnerving thought. the theme from jaws "duh—dumps" in your frantic brain. needlelike pain begins to shoot through your arms and legs as lactic acid brickifies every sinew in your extremities. suddenly, just before you sink helplessly below the liquid darkness, you grasp something. without thinking you wrap your arms around it and hang on for dear life. ok, now comes the question: what's that thing you find yourself clinging to?

i won't tell you what my friend said but i will tell you this: the first adam, when he found himself treading water in the darkness of the fall, held onto himself and an inadequate leaf-shaped flotation device, and we, his progeny, have been following in his footsteps (wake?) ever since. the final Adam, on the other hand, when he found himself in an even hairier and darker situation, against his feelings, against all that his senses screamed at him, entrusted His Spirit into the hands of the Unseen, Unheard, Unfelt One. there's been only one who's been there and done that, and so he alone is uniquely qualified to take us on the journey from darkness into light.

Monday, January 17, 2011

No Rest for the Weary

weary |ˈwi(ə)rē|
adjective ( wearier , weariest )
feeling or showing tiredness, esp. as a result of excessive exertion or lack of sleep

tiring, exhausting, wearying, fatiguing, enervating, draining, sapping, wearing, trying, demanding, taxing, arduous, grueling, difficult, hard, tough

Dear God, It me - again;
How do I get myself trapped within spaces, within walls, that try to define me and I still don't know the full understanding of who I am? How?
I want people to like me, chose me, love me (a person-pleasing spirit) and that is not healthy. It sits low within me and comes out when I least expect; don't like it at all.
I know it because my inner voice speaks "careful...careful", but my mouth engages and a lie speaks.
"I'm well, thank you."
"It's good to see you." (accompanied by the back patting hug)

And within my mental landscape I war with myself another day questioning whether I am loved for just me and not what someone can get out of me or without me giving away my soul.

There's so much to tell and so much to write; but then I'd have to bring things I don't want to remember forward.

Dear God, thanks for listening.
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