short breaths, but still breathing

When I got the invitation to this blog, it was if all the air (little though it might have been these days) was sucked out of my lungs. I have been short of breath a lot lately- not in the literal sense, but in the "grace, life, breathe a little and enjoy it" sense. I have been struggling and scrapping for every bit of energy to "be"- no, more like I have been avoiding being and caught up in doing. I felt trapped and stuck - and wondered where the freedom I found at CGX had gone. I longed for those deep breaths of grace that were common on Swiss Ave.
So, I sat down to make a list of all the things that I loved about CGX in an effort to see just how far I had fallen (and maybe how to get back)

I thought I would share some of this list with you-
There was freedom to be
There was a love for creativity
There was a lot of space to be (and worrying about the doing seemed to fade into the background)
They were always giving- time, space, food, internet
Movies were plentiful
I received from people willingly (or at least, by the end of my time there I learned to receive with gratitude)
We sat in silence - a lot (the things I learned in that papasan)
We weren't afraid to admit our sin (and even wear it as a bracelet if we wanted)
We had a community that couldn't be explained
We had the most amazing espressos - mint chocolate and coffee- yum!
We were all struggling to figure it out - but it was more fun struggling together than by ourselves
We were learning to live by faith, not fear

by the time i got to the end of the list, it was clear why I was taking such short breaths- when you live your life to prove your worth by your actions, the fear of failure will suffocate you.(I mean, if you fail- you are proving yourself worthless....and who can withstand that!) The result is there is no space for creativity, no space to breathe, no space for grace- no space to live.
So, I find myself repenting, breathing and wallowing in grace